IN THE FUTURE, EVERYONE WILL LOOK LIKE ANTS!

DON'T WORRY, THE FUTURE IS EASY TO UNDERSTAND!

WOOSH!




THE FUTURE IS ALMOST HERE


AND IT SHINES!!!

Anthony's Points to Ponder While Looking at the Sky

1. The Sun will burn out in approximately 65 years.

2. There are many small gremlins living in the clouds. The make up many different tribes from all around the world. They are not a peaceful people. Most of their economy is based around the production of Machines of War. When they do war (which is often, and in some parts of the world constant) the blood of the wounded and dying falls from the sky. This is what we call "rain."

3. All color comes from the human eye. The top part of the eye is blue. That is why the sky is blue.

4. Birds are flying dinosaurs. Really.

5. The Sun will burn out in approximately 49.5 years.

6. Flowers go to die in ancient flower burial grounds, sometimes traveling for months to reach them.

7. The last item was actually one on "Anthony's Points to Ponder While Looking at the Ground" (Knopf, 1998)

8. Birds do not fly. They are picked up and hurtled from place to place by the gremlins living in the clouds. The flapping of the wings is a bird struggling to escape the grasp of a gremlin.

9. None of these are facts. They are merely points to ponder.

10. The sun will burn out in approximately 10 years.

I was rather certain that I had a blog. However, one can never be sure.

Older Women Have It Going On


Another February Sweeps, another "Survivor." This particularly sorry bunch of losers were split up according to sex and age. Four tribes; Younger Men, Older Men, Younger Women, Older Women. None of them seemed particularly memorable. Except maybe that one "older man" who used to smoke three packs a day-until his first day on Survivor. Now that's good TV. I can't wait until he starts to get the shakes and accidentally spears someone in the foot. Younger Women were the first to win immunity, with the older women close behind, leading host Jeff Probst to say, "older women have it going on!" My amusement knew no bounds, as it is commonly known that older women never have it going on. Ever. Except for Molly Pitcher. That bitch could throw down. So will I keep watching? You bet your blurred ass crack/partial nipple exposure I will.

While going through some old Word documents on my computer the other day, I came across this cryptic bit of info:


Carlsbad
man kills, hides bodies in caverns, mother really likes cirque de soleil song “alegria”



I don't really remember my thought process on this one.

Obsession……It’s not just a perfume for peep show strippers anymore.

Current Obsession: The Who’s “Tommy”

Yeah I’m not really sure why either. All I can say is that it had intrigued me for quite a while so a few weeks ago I finally got around to downloading it. Unfortunately the file I downloaded wasn’t the best quality and consequently whole sections were rendered unlistenable. This past week I broke down and spent money to buy the cd. (Ok, I really didn’t spend money – I used a gift certificate. Same principal though.) So I give it a listen and for whatever reason I really like it. Almost love it. Almost, not quite. I think it’s the acoustic guitar. These days we don’t get much acoustic guitar in rock music. Folk music and emo sing-songwriters sure, but not so much the rock. But it could just be a phase I’m going through. A few years back I went through a “Law and Order” period in which I watched at least 2 episodes a day for at least two months. Now, however, I don’t go near the show, or any of its spin-offs. Then there was that time I couldn’t stop listening to the same 4 songs from the Dandy Warhols’ second album. And there was that one summer when I had to have vanilla ice cream every day at exactly 1 o’clock because I was positive that I was being stalked by a murderer who was trying to kill me at 1 o’clock every day to fulfill some sort of prophesy where if he killed me at 1 o’clock then he would become king of Hersandia but I knew he was scared of vanilla ice cream so I ate vanilla ice cream every day at 1 o’clock.
I did a lot of crack that summer.
Remember kids, crack is whack!

Sorry little lamb, another year has passed and you're still alive

It's just about 2006, and what do I have to show for it? NOT A DAMNED THING. Oh sure, I've got a job (oh excuse me, a "career," as the folks at UCI like to say, fully aware that no one in their right mind would stay there forever) and an apartment that has all the right number of walls and floors and such, but what do I REALLY have? (A kick-ass TV)- No, I mean really have? Well my health (cross your fingers and poke a foreigner in the eye), my mental health (a tenuous grip at best, but it still counts), and family and friends (probably shouldn't have mentioned that mental health bit-could lose a few over that.) But even with all that, I haven't really accomplished anything. Not that I set out to win the Nobel prize in chemistry or anything, but a New York Critics Association award would have been nice. I mean, sure, many people go years without producing anything of significance. Einstein had his patent office years, Mozart his Baltic mountain years, and Gandhi had his Hawaii period; but damnit, I'm better than all of them! Honestly, I am! Oh well, no use whining about it now I guess. When the end of the year comes and we look back at the black holes of our existences, it certainly is humbling. ("--Really? Because that 'better than Gandhi' thing didn't sound humble." Hey! Shut up inner Jesus! Don't make me lock you up again! "--ok, ok, don't throw a fit. jeezzz")It's the time of year when we take stock of our lives, and if this past year is any indication, my stock will be almost worthless by 2012. But who knows, I could pull an "Apple" and come out with a nifty-looking hand held Anthony which could be a big hit with 20-something hipsters. There's always hope!


P.S. In addition to looking back on your own life, take a moment to look back on the lives of some other people and learn some lessons. Take Paris Hilton and Tom Cruise; from them I learned how not to be a skank-ass man stealing hoe, and how not to corrupt innocent virgins with crazy talk about how psychiatry is evil and how we are all really aliens or some shit.

Happy Holidays!