Is it cheryl's b-day? When did this happen??? Oh well. I guess I'm an ass again. Happy birthday you 'ol so and so.





p.s. sorry 'bout the lack of posts lately, but when it's not happening, its not happening. It's the whole thing about transferring jobs, being all growned up, and then there was the six feet under series finale which felt like a punch in the stomach (the good kind though, you know, the kind that makes you feel all good afterwards....oh nevermind....)and then there was that movie "war of the worlds" in which the whores of the earth saved us all by spreading their skank to the aliens, who I'm guessing died of a combination of the hiv and some type of genital warts. (there was probably some type of hepatitis in there too.... ) In any case its been a slow couple of weeks and I just haven't been able to get it up for this blog much. But that's how life is I guess, and as Nate from six feet under said, "Narm!!" and then as he said later,.."You only have one life, don't fuck it up." and that's my birthday wish to you Cheryl. Only without any of the rude harshness and only the happy lifeness. Or something like that.

pps. Rocket fuel malt liquor. It's crizappy...daaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmn.

ppps. Is it ironic that blogger doesn't have the word (or non-word) "blog", or "blogger" in the spell check thing? Or is it just weird? Ever since that alanis debacle I get nervous calling things ironic. Remember that? yeaaahhhh...........good times.

blah blah blah..i have nothing to say..i am dead inside (for the moment at least)...does anyone notice that i change my little subtitle thing everytime i post? well now you will.

Helpful hint for gays in the military: Avoid baseball bat wielding closet cases. (see: Soldier's Girl )

I know it's been ages, but only a few days more my sweet chickpeas.

Tilda Swinton, is that you?

Miles to Go Before I Sleep
(but like literal sleep-not death sleep)

You may have noticed that I haven’t posted anything since the 15th. Now some of you may be wondering where I’ve been and why haven’t I posted anything new, and why should you bother coming to this site if I’m not going to put any effort into keeping it up to date like I said I would a while ago, besides-you never really liked the blog anyway, you just visited cause you were my friend but always secretly thought me annoying and self centered and when you think about it you don’t know why you ever wanted to be my secret lover in the first place, and what’s that strange smell coming from the mattress? Well, I say calm the fuck down. Don’t make this blog your main source of vitamins and minerals ‘cause you’re gonna end up pale and with fragile bones. And take that dead hooker out from under the mattress; she’s stinking up the whole building. As far as the whole secret lover thing, well, you’re still on your own with that one, so nothing’s changed. But give me a call; I’ll see what I can do.

San Francisco! City of lights and fog! Metropolis by the bay! Home to scallywags and un-stanched wenches! Jewel of the Mississippi!
Well, at the very least, San Francisco is a city. I spent the first part of my vacation in said city and it was all that the names suggest, except that I didn’t see a steam paddle boat even once. Obviously Mark Twain was crazy. I stayed with my friends Christine and Caroline, whom I have known since High school. They live in the sunset area of San Francisco with two other roommates, both from Europe and both gone for the summer. It just so happens that a friend of one of the other roommates was in town visiting the same week as me, and also stayed at the house. Dimitri lives in Switzerland but is originally from Belgium, and was quite surprised that any of us actually knew where Belgium was. In any case he was a really cool guy and the twins and I spent some time that week hanging out with him. We went to a theater festival in Downtown, Muir woods and various other San Francisco-y things. We also had some fun nights at the house, just sitting around taking and eating. Eating sweet delicious carbs. And babies. Ok, not babies. They were more like toddlers.
All in all I had a great time, got to meet some cool new people and also visit with friends that I hadn’t seen in a long time. I kinda didn’t want to leave but the funky whispers and gamey scent of Arcata was calling me and I had to answer, ‘cause If I didn’t Arcata would just keep calling, and calling and calling-untill I would loose it and yell “Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch??!!!” Then Arcata would look at me all weird and say “I don’t get it. Who’s Wayne Brady?” Then frustrated I would just turn and walk away and Arcata would yell after me “Fine then, just leave! That’s what you’re good at, you emotionally dead eel lover!” But that’s a story for another day, onward and northward!!!


Arcata!!!...........uhh………Arcata!!!
My time in Arcata can best be described by a word I first heard from Stacy. Boozery. Yes, Arcata offered up its alcohol filled teats to me and I suckled like a wee little babe. First night –bar. Second night-drinking at Kelsey’s. Third night-bar. It was great to be back up there and big thanks go out to Stacy and Chris for letting me stay with them.. I Also got to visit my old place of sort-of gainful employment; HSU Media. My old co-workers were still up to their same ol tricks. Kelsey was still trying to pass off baby powder as high grade cocaine (to make a little extra on the side), Raphel was still plotting world domination (her current plan involved cotton candy and North Korea, but I was too scared to delve further.) Will of course is still bat shit insane. But really, who isn’t these days? So Wednesday night Stacy, Chris and I went to Toby and Jacks, my fave Arcata bar and had a leisurely time of it. I didn’t drink too much but I did get buzzed. The next day I went to go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with Will, Kelsey, Raphel, Kalindi and her friend Tom for Bob or Rupert or whatever. After the movie, Kelsey and I went back to her place to hang out and we were soon joined by Will. I was treated to an impromptu performance by Will on the bongos and Kelsey some big drum which I think was called a mokimbu. Or a Fortuna. Whatever. I just kinda stood there and watched, because although I am half Latino, I was born with no innate sense of rhythm. I was however born with an innate sense of what animals are thinking, which I will put to use on my new television show: “Mr. Anthony Communes with the Beasts of the Forest.” The next night I was able to convince Will to join Stacy, Chris and I at the Bars where we had a jolly good time. Stacy became inebriated quite quickly thanks to a large VODKA and redbull. I, however, was a little slower in reaching my saturation point. After a pint of Guinness, 4 or so glasses of Newcastle, a mai thai, and then a few more glasses of great white, the bar decided to do its best impression of Gumby, and got all bendy on me. Which of course means it’s time to drink more! So I had a shot of tequila with strawberry stuff and I was gone yo, just gone. When I got back to Stacy’s place I was quite nauseous, and almost didn’t fold out the futon and considered sleeping sitting up. But eventually I did unfold the bed, but I also didn’t turn off the light or change my clothes. Sweet lady Alcohol is a harsh mistress. Before I knew it, my vacation time was up and I had to start heading home. Stacy and Chris tried to get me to stay a few more days, but I resisted their bribes of money and sexual favors and drove back to san fran on Saturday.

That night Christine and I went out to Cheesecake Factory and had a nice meal, but I was very tired from my long drive that day (which, by the way, wasn’t helped by the fact that I was still kinda tipsy from the night before.) and I’m afraid I wasn’t much of a companion that night. But Christine was still nice to me, and great hostess to boot, and I was sad to leave on Sunday.

The drive from San Francisco was long and tiring. Bugs hit the windshield, I stopped for food. More bugs. Stopped for gas. Bugs. Slow cars, honking, bugs. Home! Sleep.

Much fun was had by me, and I hope fun was had by others, namely the others mentioned in this post. I hope I can see everyone again soon-like.

Random Quote


"Each night the hunchback came down the stairs with the air of one who has a grand opinion of himself. He always smelled slightly of turnip greens, as Miss Amelia rubbed him night and morning with pot liquor to give him strength."

---from "The Ballad of the Sad Cafe" by Carson McCullers

(fun with Google image search)



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Then come to Count Funkula’s Amusement Cottage and Foodstuffs Emporium!!!!
















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Come ride our brand new power packed roller coaster “Agent 6 and the Banshees”
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Experience dreadful chills and terrible frights in our newly renovated “Haunted House: The Ride”















And of course there’s always our classics:

Duke of Funkington Roller Rink










Slippery Jane Log Ride












and Jolly Time Boat Trip (sponsored by Orville Redenbacher)








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And don’t forget about or moderately sized foodstuffs emporium!!













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All images copyrighted by Count Funkula 2000, all rights reserved
All persons admitted must be in good health and must sign waiver before entering. No one under 5’ tall allowed in. No pets, plants, outside food or dink, females, or children admitted.
*actual thrill count is 47

Falling Down and other redundant quips.

What to do, what to do? Should I take the job being offered to me at my current place of employment, or take my chances up north somewhere? I could take the job down here, it would look great on a resume and really give me the experience needed to get a good job somewhere else…but…I don’t really have any friends down here at the moment which kind of leaves me bored at home every weekend. Up north I have no job waiting for me, or any place to live for an extended period of time. There are, however, friends, which would make my weekends more interesting and therefore the rest of my week. Anyway, that’s about all that’s going on right about now. Well, there was this one thing about TAGSMS, but it’s kind of stupid. It seems a disgruntled nurse deliberately switched the medication to several patients, making the depressed even more down and the manics even more manic. This caused no small amount of irritation to the guards, doctors and staff at the sanatorium, because they had to deal with the aftermath. (The nurse took the next flight to Florida where authorities and a private group of sanatorium employees are tracking her down) To make a long story short, it was ten hours before things were returned to normal, although it seems that one of the affected inmates got down to the basement where 4782 is being held and it is not yet clear what, if anything, occurred. Everyone is back in their rooms and on their regular meds, which is great news to me and the board of directors. No one really knows why the nurse went all sabotage-y on the place, but I don’t really see how it matters anyway. You know what else? trying to write something with talking eyelashes, floating offices, and crumbling churches is really hard. who woulda thought?

ok, maybe there weren't any other redundant quips. but there is a comma crazy sentence!

Me. A Jello Shot. Halloween.