Living Dead


It was announced today (via email of course) that the husband of a woman who works in my office died the other day. Now I don’t know this woman or her husband (our office is in two different locations on campus) and I know it’s tragic and such, but as I was reading the obituary I couldn’t help but think “this is a terribly written obituary” it was all I could think about. I mean, the thing was horrible! It had sentences like “He was such a great provider.” That’s it. End of sentence, on to another topic. There was a bunch of “He was such a….” sentences. It was obviously written by 6th grade AP English student. If youre gonna go through the trouble of printing an obituary in the paper (which seems kinda weird to me cause everyone who cares about that person has their own memories and feelings about the deceased but whatever) you should at least write something of quality. (blogs don’t count-no angry letters). Also, I don’t like the fact that obituaries gloss over the bad parts in a persons life, because more often than not those difficult times had more of an influence on how that person turned out than anything else. But I digress….

The digression:

So heres my obituary, written by me. Feel free to use it as a model for when I “move on,” “pass,” or “bite the big one”

Anthony G. Saldana was great man. And also kind of an ass sometimes. He owned an imaginary sanatorium in Texas, which he ran to the best of his ability. (he was also a little looney.) When he was young, he did a lot of stupid shit, but got away with most of it, ‘cause cops are idiots and really more open to bribery than you think. During his teenage years he lived at an artist commune and spent his time creating great works of art about the immigrant experience in America. When he was 21, Anthony invented the hydro-copter, a helicopter that worked underwater. Since there was really no demand for an underwater helicopter, the plans for a large manufacturing plant in Bakersfield never really took off, and Anthony was left impoverished and alone. At the age of 32, he adopted 16 Nicaraguan babies but they were taken away from him soon after and he was arrested for abuse of the welfare system. After his release from jail he had a hard time, never really adjusting to “life on the outside.” His life was tragically cut short during a trip to New Jersey where he was devoured by a large robot shark. He is survived by practically everyone he knew ‘cause no one else was stupid enough to taunt an angry robot shark. Funeral services will be held on the large empty plot of land where his “sanatorium” is located.


See, that’s what I want. The good stuff, the bad stuff, and full of lies. Malicious, hurtful lies.

Rest- in-peace out!